Only a few years ago I had a wardrobe full of garments packed with electronic implants – then they were so cool. But this weekend, I trashed the lot!

The reality is, wired clothing is simply so yesterday. Instead, my Christmas present to me this year is a whole fitment of brand-new implanted bio-devices. Forget the Six Million Dollar man, because these days it costs only a fraction of that to become fully plugged in and switched on!

I’ve got bio-implants in my eyes to give me perfect vision – I can switch between microscopic and binocular vision literally at the blink of an eye – and I have full ‘heads-up’ text and image streaming for real-time communication and information. Plus – wait for it – I can change my eye colour to suit whatever I am wearing!

I have ear implants which give me 100% near- and distance hearing, plus non-stop in-built music feeds of whatever I want to listen to. Combined with the eye implants, they give me a permanent entertainment center right in my head, plugged straight into my neural network for deep sensory involvement in movies and games.

But the best bio-implant is a little more private. Move over Viagra – no more tablets needed to make me the stud in bed that I always wanted to be!

This is going to be a great Christmas. But wait, there’s more! I read here in this MindBullets column that the next big thing will be replacement body parts like bio-legs for super-speed and strength.

I just can’t wait for Christmas next year!