ARTIFICIAL BURNING OF MIDNIGHT OIL TAINTS GLOBAL EXPO

Winner disqualified after evidence of cognitive enhancement revealed

Tired, but healthy, students and professionals have been buying Ritalin and the brain enhancing drug Modafinil illegally for more than a decade, but this type of doping or cheating is going up a notch. Just ask Jack McCloskey.

McCloskey, a 32-year-old male from Manhattan, has been disqualified from winning the Global Medical Science Expo, hosted by the World Health Organization every year. It has been established that he was making use of an implanted memory chip that gave him immediate access to hundreds of real-time, digitally published research papers. A personally tailored cocktail of performance elevating drugs was also found in his cabin bag at Charles de Gaulle airport.

The global Magna Cortica (which the WHO chooses to adhere to) clearly states that cognitive enhancement measures may only be taken if someone has a pre-existing condition like narcolepsy, Parkinson’s or paralysis. An individual may not take any brain-boosting aids if said individual is, medically, 100% able to speak, hear, feel, touch and taste.

An examination of McCloskey’s online Lifebook, which he foolishly shared publicly, has revealed that he was in a perfect state of health, before the cognitive boosters were taken. As such the WHO is within its rights to disqualify him; even though he was this year’s winner.

It’s one thing to eat healthily and exercise regularly in order to function optimally, but when does human achievement become super-human talent? When you find the cure for cancer like McCloskey did, that’s when.

Warning: Hazardous thinking at work

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