EXERCISE GENIE IN A BOTTLE

Beating obesity one drink at a time

In the race for the perfect health and energy drink, Eltsen will go down in history as the ultimate winner. Eltsen has figured out how to stimulate the main enzyme that regulates the human metabolism, which in effect means that people can burn fat without having to engage in strenuous exercise. A 30-minute jog can be replaced by one glass of EGIAB (Exercise Genie In A Bottle) and 10 minutes of YouTube aerobics.

About 10 years ago we saw people hydrating themselves with smart drinks which boosted their creativity and even their IQ. Ethical questions were however raised about perfectly healthy individuals getting talent from a bottle. Eltsen is hoping to side-step such criticism by framing EGIAB in a different way.

At a press conference last night chief researcher at Eltsen, Johann Grossenbacher, explained that they first delved into science nutrition to help curb the massive growth of obesity and re-invent its treatment. “With an estimated 40% of world population classified as obese, EGIAB couldn’t have been launched at a better time. Imagine the progress we could make in terms of the US$3 trillion economic burden of obesity,” he said. Eltsen posits that a stationary couch potato could lose 1.5 kg every month by pairing 4 short exercise sessions with EGIAB.

An ‘unintended consequence’ of EGIAB is the helping hand it offers to those who have become less mobile due to old age. Asian and European governments, who have been weighed down by the immense cost of taking care of aging populations, have already placed bulk orders for EGIAB. Rumour has it that they will be drone-delivering a drink per day to algorithm-selected citizens who will benefit the most from sipping the miracle elixir.

Don’t you just love progress?

Warning: Hazardous thinking at work

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