It all started when The Bieb began wearing the new Nike LIFE+ bracelet. It’s more than a sensor device; it’s a ‘whole life’ application too. LIFE+ monitors your every movement, what you eat and when you sleep. It knows what you’re doing at all times, from wildly gyrating on stage to bedroom antics.

Justin’s mistake was selecting maximum exposure. Now every move he made was reported in real time on Twitter, Facebook and everywhere else. No need to manually update your lifestream. What a pleasure!

Until something went wrong. The bracelet Tweeted:

“Justin is driving his new Ferrari, rather fast.”

“OMG Justin has crashed! His heart has stopped!”

In fact, it was a minor bumper bashing, and Bieber was unhurt. But his LIFE+ app kept insisting that he’d met his end. Millions of teenage girls all over the world are in a state of shock and mourning, and news headlines keep debating the truth of the matter.

The fact is that it’s not easy to deal with this bug. Justin’s contractual obligations with LIFE+ mean that it will take an army of lawyers and a team of surgeons to remove the bracelet, so for the time being all he can do is feebly protest on Facebook: “I ain’t dead!”

With so many fake online identities and celebrity lookalikes, mass hysteria prevails, as the verified, official LIFE+ app keeps posting: “Justin has… left the building.”