The EU Climate Control Agency (CCA), known colloquially as the ‘carbon police’, has introduced proposals to tax the very air we breathe. Two decades of lower than expected global warming has been a brief respite, but carbon concentrations have continued to rise alarmingly.

“It’s clear that carbon taxes and emissions trading have not worked,” says Executive Director Jacqueline McGlade. “The time has come for real action, touching every human in Europe, so that every breath we take is meaningful.”

It was ten years ago that carbon dioxide breached the important psychological barrier of 400ppm (parts per million). Some saw this as a tipping point, predicting catastrophic climate change in the future. Despite controls on transport and industrial emissions, which have declined, the level of carbon in the air has continued to climb.

“So we will propose a quarterly tax on all citizens over the age of 18. Every time we breathe out, we produce more carbon,” continues McGlade, “and everyone must be aware of their contribution!” An aide was heard to remark that “if they are old enough to smoke and drive, they should pay the tax. Our Eurobarometer survey released today shows support for this decision.”

This proposal has been denounced as “sheer lunacy” by the scientist and economic development proponent Matt Ridley. “Carbon dioxide makes the planet greener,” he exclaims, “and economic growth makes the air cleaner!”

When will the great climate debate come to an end? Don’t hold your breath…